Can someone open an adult training center where you take useless beanbags of couchfail like me and slowly train to like, do gymnastics? We could have a failympics, it would be totally hilarious.
We could have the women's 10 meter headplant - you run and you run and you run until you clip the ground with the wrong part of your shoe and then it's a matter of staying on your collapsing legs as long as possible. Or the men's 400 meter 'bouncing bollocks', a downhill track not unlike the ski moguls; which they all throw themselves down like they're chasing a wheel of cheese. (Look it up, that one's real, the maniac English.) Slow motion capture of the winner replayed at every opportunity.
All races would be competed drunk or high off one's ass. It would be awesome.
To be perfectly honest, these were the sorts of olympic events i always thought i would rather watch, but having the olympics in london has been pretty special. It's very buzzy out there. I sincerely hope and wish the optimism at least lasts until November - maybe we can make it stretch even until December if we encourage comfort eating and meaningless sex. The approaching winter always makes Londoners so fucking cranky and depressed, it would be grand if, after such an awe-inspiring and national pride-filled summer of elation, we could please just remember that when the sun sets earlier and the wind turns colder and the commute starts to become a bit more of a ball leg. I don't want to see any depressed or aggravated faces until january, at the earliest. Obviously that will preclude me from looking into any reflective surfaces for six months but hey, I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
Stay in a good mood and carry on grinning London.
Hey darlin it's Willo!! We actually came up with an event last night, It's called the 'Don't fall overathon' Everyone stands still in a field out their faces and tries not to fall over, last one standing wins, it could go on for days!!
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