Tuesday 12 February 2013

The invention of being able to do whatever the hell you want

I was meandering in the Canary Wharf subterranean shopping district trying to slay my bad mood I got as a result of one meeting before I went into another. It was about ten past ten in the morning, I had been cornered in the last meeting by a klusterfuck of idiots who’d not understood that ‘Please ensure you have the first draft of the System Architecture Design ready by (today) so we can go through it as a project team’, ‘oh you mean today, oh you mean a System Architecture Design document, oh you mean come to work in an office, oh you mean like, speak a language and be human and interact in society, THAT thing, OH…’

As I found myself standing in front of friendly coffee merchants my eyes fell upon a slice of new York baked cheesecake sitting in a simple plastic box, looking all lovely and delicious.

Without a moment’s thought, I bought it.

Oh my GOD, I thought wildly, feverishly walking back to my office, cake in hand. I literally just bought cake for NO OTHER REASON than I simply WANTED some. It wasn’t morning tea, it wasn’t someone’s birthday, I hadn’t missed lunch or wasn’t going to the gym later, I hadn’t won anything and it was nowhere even close to a special occasion.

I just bought it because I fancied some.

As the walls of order and civilisation crumbled around my screaming head, the curtain of the world as I knew it lifted, and beyond it lay CHAOS – if I can eat cheesecake at 10 past ten in the morning then I can eat it ANY TIME. I can eat it ALL DAY LONG. In fact I can eat it for dinner. In bed, in the shower, on a train. I can eat one and I can follow that one with another.

And I was afraid.

Trembling, I put the cake away in the fridge, unmarked, and clearly visible to the thieving whores I work with. I walked away. Halfway back to my desk, I turned around, and went back for it. If I’m going to destroy my sense of calm and centred place in the world, I may as well enjoy the spoils.

It’s the apocalypse, bitches!! Tonight: ICECREAM and KFC. Maybe even together.

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